I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
