If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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