I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
