I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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