You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
