I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
