there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Im part way to drunk.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
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