Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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