oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Randomize
