My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
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