dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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