You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
We need a shit load of segways right now
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
