i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
