The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
