My Higher Power is John Stamos
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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