oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
