I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
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