I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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