Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
