Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
