You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize