what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize