I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i think my mom watched the whole time
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Randomize
