were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
