I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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