the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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