just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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