I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
