my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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