after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
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