While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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