my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
