I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
