Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Randomize
