I could make wine with my vomit
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
