just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
