I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
