i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
