My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
