He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
