I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
