With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
he fucked my hip out of place.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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