dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
