I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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