True but thats because hes a fetus.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
