I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
