My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I wish my penis had an off switch
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
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