i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
