I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
