Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
