So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
