I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
