Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
