6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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