He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Randomize
