I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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