Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
