the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
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